I’m 36 , married two little girls ( not so little now but will always be dads little girls i guess ) . Only child  in my story my brothers and sisters are in fact my cousins , I was an only child .  

 My childhood was i guess you could say a bit different . My real mother died at 24 from acute pancreatitis after being sent home as doctors would not operate on her because she was so large . My life before this i don’t know much about but from what i do know i was not well looked after . My real father who has something wrong with him ( unable to think ahead in time ) was to useless to look after me so i was shipped off to my uncle ( dads brother ) and aunt.I was cared for there but that was about it . I was never ill treated but it was not your normal house , there was no love . They had four other children of their own and thinking back now i think i was never wanted , I think that they felt pissed off  that they had to raise another child when theirs were getting older and starting to leave home . I feel now that i was never wanted by them and just a burden . Growing up i was always different , i guess it came from them as i was not like other children , i wasn’t aloud the freedom to grow others were and also didn’t have the toys they had so never really fit in .  

My real father was still in my life part time but it was nothing but a disappointment , this man also molested me when I was about 8 or 9 . This was never spoken about even though my brother knew . This later came out when I was moody and 16 my brother in law asked and i told him . I had never spoken about it before , this ended up in the polices hands but nothing went further . I was later informed that the only reason i had told about it was because i was after money . This is how my family works twisted at its best .  

My  foster father was a Ahole ( sorry but thats the truth ) , he didn’t beat me ( well nothing bad just the odd belt here and their ). He was a very hard man and i was emotionally abused allot and told that i would end up like my real father and amount to nothing . I was also forced to work every weekend . I fought with this man i guess everyday and have very few nice memories of him . But believe it or not i am very gratefully towards him and if it was for him i would not be what i am . 

I have always been different , i don’t know why . I truly believe i have been placed here to do something . I have never thought inside the box , i have never cared what people think of me . I don’t know why but what ever this man said to me i use in the best way i could .  

Ok onto the rest of my life for now. I have always been smart , but its a different smart . I cant spell . I think i have dyslexia but have never looked into it . I am more a mechanically smart and my thinking is along logic . When i was at high school i was well ahead of my class in many things. I believe i could have gone on to do anything i wanted but because of this man i couldn’t . When i was 14 and getting to leaving school age i got a part time job . One day i came home and my foster father said i could leave school and if i had a job i can pay rent . Well that was the finally straw i cracked , i told him in no uncertain terms that i was not going to pay rent to live in his house and he could go to buggery . I left shortly after . Move in with my sister and got a full time job .  I never spoke much to him after that .  

I lived with my sister for a year but went on a holiday to visit my father , well that holiday changed my life . I stayed with `my real father , his new wife and their  family . It was then that I learned that my family was not normal, that the people i had been around all my life were the odd one out . I returned home elated , I decided that I would be moving up there and i did . I moved in with my father and his new wife . Well that didn’t last before he done a runner again , leaving me there alone . I was sixteen with nowhere to go and alone . So I got a job , I set myself up in a caravan park and raised myself from then on . I guess this was the time I stopped placing my life in other people’s hands . 

After some problems with my boss , I left and got into fruit picking , I liked this and spent ten years doing it .  

When i was 21 i got a virus , I don’t know what sort of virus but i was sick for about 3 years . Something along the lines of CFS PVFS . In this time i went to 19 doctors and all but two told me i was depressed and many of them blamed it on my foster father dyeing . If only they knew the truth but then they never listened long enough to hear that .I was depressed because i was sick . When your ill you get depressed . In the end i got better by working on myself , by reading cases of people that had got over it .  

Fruit picking ended for me when i got a hand injury , I was operated on by another of those doctors , one that said that I had to have this operation . I trusted this man. Well he had only ever seen one other case in 20 years and must have decided when he did the operation that he would take a snip and send it off to see what the problem was . Well i later found out what the problem was , I needed to rest my hands as the muscles had become to large . But because of this little snip I lost about 50% of the strength in my hand so that was the end of my fruit picking and the long trip around Australia that I had just spent 12 months building our bus .  

Anyway such is life  

Ok now onto just before my crash .  

We were in huge debt , i was fighting every day to keep up with things . I was eating less and less ,smoking heaps  working long days . I had no me time , I had forgotten what it was like to do something for me . I was sick , I started getting migraines again everyday , i had the flu 3 times in three months .  My wife took the girls and left ( long story , longer than above =) )  

MY CRASH   

Sorry about the length of above but it works into my crash in a different way than you may think .  

One day I was in the post office and bent down , when i came up again i lost my eyesight , very strange . But i just let it go .I also started to shake , I would shake so much i couldn’t stop .I went to the doctor , he thought i may have a tumor on my kidney so I was tested for that but in the mean time me and my logical brain decided to Google . The next week I was going on a trip with a mate when out of nowhere I started to feel weird , my chest started to buzz and race . I thought i was gonna . I thought I was having a heart attack for sure . from this moment on I was on a downhill race . From that moment on the fear started , I was so scared but why , what had changed ? I started to fear one of these turns . The strangest thing was that i knew it was panic , but I couldn’t stop my thinking once it started .  

I went back to the doctor and he said i had anxiety , but that was it nothing else , just take these pills and rest . Well i did that but it got worse . In fact it got that bad i could handle living alone . This strange as i had always lived alone , in fact you could call me a loner . I like to be alone.  I finally cracked . I knew what had caused this and went to my bank to talk to them about fixing it . Well what a joke i wanted to stop paying $1000 a week in repayments and refinance so i would only be paying $400 . You know what they said You can’t , you are not earning enough . =0 well that’s strange i have been paying $1000 a week for two years . I went home sat and thought it’s me or them , i spoke to my wife and said I can’t do this anymore . We went back to the bank and gave them the keys to our house and said its your problem . We went bankrupt . This nearly killed me , i had spent 20 years working my butt of to get were i was with no help from anyone and now i just lost it all . Not only that i felt like i had failed my family . All this time the shakes and turns are getting worst , everyday , sometimes every 2 hours . What is going on with me . I called mental health and see a lady she confirms i have anxiety and tells me to breath .  Doh i think i’m doing that . I leave her office shaking my head .  

I now back living with my wife and girls , I have gone from a 6 foot 2 man , strong and pig headed to a shaking mess. Nobody understands around me how i feel. Bloody doctors that are meant to be helping me are no help , in fact they are stressing me even more. I take my benzos everyday but they are not working , i am getting worst . I can almost predict when i will get an attack . I am on the phone many days to my wife at work to come home because I can’t cope , i am not eating , not sleeping and when I do i have shocking nightmares . What is going on with me ?  I’m starting to get OCD . I’m starting to get scared to leave the house . I can’t drive when i do Everything is freaking me out . 

Well then it hits me , its these bloody tablets that are doing this .I tell my doctors and mental health worker and they just look at me like i am mad and tell me no thats not right . I decide to stop these tablets and reduce the dose , i  have done my research and no what they are doing to me but no one will believe me . I cut 1/4 of a tablet and end up spewing and on the floor crying for two days , only to have a good day and then it starts again . Well i have had enough of this by now and gone to see my mental health worker , i told her that if she wants me gone then she needs to get me help . I feel sorry for this lady , this great big man standing in front of her with a look of horror in his eyes . Well it must have worked . next day i saw another doctor , I explained to him that the tablets are doing this , that they are two short half life and i am addicted to them and every time they get low they send me into a panic . He agrees , changes to ones i asked him for and i leave . 10 minutes , that ten minutes is the most important in my life . If it was not for this Doctor listening to me for ten minutes I have no doubt I would not be here now , I would have ended it all . That’s how bad it was . Within two weeks i was off benzos and will never go on them again , yes i might think  about taking one again but i doubt it